What I'm Really Thinking - The Girl in the Abortion Clinic

The Guardian

"In my experience, the undecided tend to carry on with their pregnancies. The vast majority of terminations are done for those who know it's a 'no', you know? They know they don't want a baby." The counsellor pauses. "You should do a pros and cons list – score each thing and add the columns up."

I'm sent back to the waiting room confused. The girl next to me is making a fuss about the finger prick she's just had to check her blood type. Her mum is sympathetically inspecting her hand. They know it's a no. The girl behind is texting someone ferociously while rummaging in her bag. She knows it's a no. If this were five years ago, I'd know it was a no, too. I could easily have come here and gone through with this. The procedure, I've learned, is surprisingly quick, the place is nice enough, the staff nonjudgmental. There's a comforting lack of "It's already got fingernails" pro-lifers outside.

But now I don't have big enough nos to know. I'm mature enough, I think. I'm in a stable relationship. I've got a good job. But I'm young. I don't feel ready and I'm scared.

I get called in for my finger prick. I'm given a document to sign to go ahead with the termination. I ask if I can have another think. "Of course, sweetheart. Don't sign until you're sure. Do you want to book in another counselling session? You could bring your pros and cons list in?"

I leave and don't go back.